Funny Facebook Statuses That Will Get Alot of Likes

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I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.

Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?

Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.

After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it’s true potential helping people wink online :)

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentickles.

Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Plateau is the highest form of flattery.

What do you call when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

Whatever you’ve achieved in life, you still have a giraffe to look upto.

Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.

Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.

Latest Funny Status for Facebook

The year is 2060. iPhone 842 is released. The screen touches you..

Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours

Anything related to elephants is irrelephant.

If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven’t spent the night with a mosquito.

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.

Bond. Hydrogen bond.

If you’re 17 and your 200 year old lover won’t turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he’s just not that into you.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.

If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

My brain has too many tabs open, Need to stop refreshing.

You think I’m not online. But I’m always here. Even if I’m not updating my status. I’m here. Scrolling. Judging.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.

Lazy Rule: If it falls under the bed, it’s gone. Forever.

True ninjas let the microwave hit 0 but don’t let it beep…

Short Funny Facebook statuses

Saving a file and then realizing you have no idea where you just saved it. So you save it again :|

How hasn’t someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between “blazing inferno” & “toast”?!?

Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.

That awkward moment when the titanic sunk because the look out guys were watching Rose and Jack makeout.

My life will not be complete until I’ve walked away from an explosion in slow motion.

I tried killing a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.

Lowercase letters: just like UPPERCASE letters, but without the drama.

Insomnia is the triumph of mind over mattress.

Why do people feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’M GOING TO KILL.. Ah darn he’s under a blanket”

Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says “PUSH”.

“If you fall, I’ll be there.” -The Floor

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his rather short life.

I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.

‘K’, 'ma' and ‘lol’ can just go and die.

New! Funny Status for Facebook

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish for compliments, he’ll join your Facebook and post enigmatic status updates.

Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.

If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?

That annoying moment when you close the wrong tab.

That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.

I always try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero.

Kids, try dealing with bullies the way I did: Grow up to be smarter, wealthier and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

Three reasons to stand up: 1. To get the remote 2. To go to the bathroom 3. Because you’re the real slim shady

Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy.

Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.

That awkward moment when its dark and you think there is another step so you hulk-stomp the floor

This status is just as useful as a Red light in Grand theft Auto.

2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

Trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

Funny Status Facebook

Lazy Rule #102:Why should I make the bed if I’m going to sleep in it again?

Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.

decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.

Whenever you’re bored send this text to a random number.. “I hid the body.”

The 3 most common lies on the internet: 1) I have read and agreed to the terms of service. 2) Status: Offline. 3) I am over 18.

If someone says “I love you,” and you don’t feel the same way, say “I love Youtube” really fast.

Wanna email someone. Accidentally press send. Try to cancel message. “Message sent!”

Whenever I accidentally hurt my pet, I’m like “OH MY GOD! OH IM SO SORRY!” and they run away. I run after them like “LET ME LOOVE YOUU!”

Saying bye to someone… then staying online for another 2 hours.

Make a mistake while typing password, erase the whole damn password, retype.

I lost sixty pounds in two seconds with diet and exercise and Photoshop.

I had the urge to clean my place today so I played a game till the urge went away.

The traffic light always turns green right as I’m picking up my phone.

Before you eat a chip, you have to look into the bag to find the perfect chip.

WARNING: Going to sleep Sunday night causes Monday. Staying up all night Sunday also causes Monday. There is no cure. :(

The front pockets in a suitcase exist solely for you to stuff in all the crap you forgot to pack before you zipped the suitcase up.

Walking into your room and saying “Damn, I need to clean this…” then walking out.

Team Jacob ?, Team Edward ?, Team Guy that almost ran Bella over with his car ?

Silly barber, always puts my superman cape on backwards.

Every-time I read ROFL I hear Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle"

I love it when I buy a bag of air, and the company is nice enough to put chips in it.

“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario

If my room is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.